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She remained a veritable prisoner in the house, but that was just as well, for she couldn’t bear to show herself in public. They would know. She was sure of it. Anyone looking on her would see and know the shame written in large letters on her face. She couldn’t count how many times in her life Nana Eva had cautioned her about them. First boys, then men, but the lesson was always the same – a lady had to be on guard for the sake of her purity, couldn’t be ruined. But now she was ruined. And not even in an excusable, overlookable slip of giving herself to her true love a bit in advance of the wedding. Ruined … by her own brother. He hadn’t touched her in the week since, but his final words from that terrible, fateful night still haunted her. She’d fled the parlor to her own room, holding the torn remains of her dress around her, grateful that no one was about to see her in such a state. Upon reaching her room, she had flung herself into the tub though there was only the unheated. .. Epiphany and Mathew... though my mother always called meMaddie.And now here I am today, may years later, lying on the beach in astring bikini, planning to write about my life in New York City back inthe early 1980s... when everybody was young and free... but findingmyself distracted instead by these fantasies of me and that sexualvampire Jeffery Epstein... the point being that I'm still a mixed-up-crazy-twisted-boy-girl even now, after all this time... it seems like Ijust can't help myself.And yet, I don't want to be defined by my sexuality. I mean, I'm morethan my sexuality. I mean, an orgasm lasts a just few seconds at most,and then what? Then you have to fill all the time between orgasms, soto speak, with the rest of your life, doing other stuff. And yet, itseems to me, like I've spent a lot of life my struggling with all thosesexual feelings that drove me crazy, especially when I was young andfull of hormones that kept me aroused and excited almost all the time.Now I don't get.
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